Some guys are fathers by default. Some guys earn the title through blood, sweat, tears, sleepless nights, hurt feelings, and surviving the teenage years. If you're fortunate, you'll come out the other side with gray hair and dark circles around the eyes but with a smidgen of sanity still intact. If you have what it takes, it's a small price to pay. Upon Father's Day, here are five bits of wisdom for new and expecting fathers I wish someone had shared with me. (Disclaimer: Take this advice for what it's worth and know it comes from a guy who has screwed up more times than he'd care to admit but will anyway. If you're not screwing up, you're not trying.)
1.
Be prepared to sacrifice. Your days as
No. 1 are over the minute your kid is born, friend. Same goes if marrying someone with kids and becoming a step-dad overnight. I don’t care if
your 18 or 50 when this day arrives. I don’t care how immature or mature you’ve
been up to now. I don’t care what your educational or financial situation is. When
that kid enters the world, your priorities immediately change, and that’s the
way it should be. You come second from that point on. If you’re not doing
everything possible to embrace this, you’re an ass. If you’re not changing
diapers, you’re an ass. If you’re not feeding your kid, you’re an ass. If
you’re not giving your kid a bath at night, you’re an ass. If you’re not
reading your kid books at night, you’re an ass. Just because your momma did all
the “woman’s” work back in the day doesn’t mean shit now. Different age,
different time, fella. If you’re the guy who spends money on his “toys” before
spending it on toys for his kids, knock it off. Right now. Your needs and wants
don’t matter until your kid’s needs and wants are met. Period. End of story.
That goes for your money, time, and happiness. You’re serving a new customer
now, and it’s your kid. If you need “alone” time, get up early or stay up late
to get it. Had a long night? Too bad. Feeling worn out? Suck it up. Had a bad
day at the office? Don’t bring it home. The world is being unfair? That sucks,
but it’s not your kid’s fault. You have a duty above all others now, and that’s
bringing joy, knowledge, and experiences to your kid’s world. If that
overwhelms you, so what. Plenty of men have done the job under a lot worse
circumstances than yours. Step up and do it.
2.
Be kind to your kid’s mom. Hug
and kiss your wife. Praise her. Stick up for her. Build her up. Encourage her.
Apologize to her. Serve her. Wipe her tears away. Do all this in front of your
kids. Make a point of it. Demonstrate what love is daily in front of them. If this embarrasses you, get over it. Visually and verbally show them how love plays out in the real world and not on
TV or in movies or in songs that manipulate it. Give your kids a concrete,
definite, unmitigated example of what care and trust and companionship and mutual
respect is. Show them what faith in a partner entails. Show your kid the value
their mother possesses. Don’t demean her. Don’t slight her. Don’t patronize
her. Don’t cut her down. Don’t ignore her. Don’t take advantage of her. Don’t
abuse her. Act decently and with pride and honor and there’s a good chance your
son will as well. Further, do and mean this in front of your daughter and
chances are better she’ll demand as much from her spouse.
3.
Play with your kid. Put your
damn phone, remote control, joystick, computer mouse, or whatever else it is
you like to stick in your hand away and pay attention to your kid. Devote time
to your kid with no distractions. Play with your kid. If you’re spending all
day Saturday, every Saturday, playing 18 holes, stop. Take your kid fishing
instead. If you’re stopping at the bar after work every day to have a few pops
with the boys, skip it. Play catch with your kids instead. If you’re missing
your kid’s games, school plays, and anything else they want you there for
because you’re not interested, get interested. Playing with your kid isn’t a
chore. It isn’t a burden. It isn’t something you should have to find time to
do. It’s a privilege, and the opportunity is all too fleeting. And don’t fake
it, either. Don’t go through the motions. Don’t say, “OK, but just for a few minutes.” Don’t whine the entire time about how tired you are. When you get to
the park, don’t plop your ass on a bench and say, “OK, now go have fun.”
Engage. Be in the damn moment. Get in a swing. Go down the slide. Get your
hands dirty in the sand and build some roads your kid can drive his Hot Wheels on.
Play dolls and school and zoo and hospital with daughter. Let your imagination go
and don’t curb hers. Let her take charge. Let her decide where the story goes.
Stop bringing reality into the picture. Don’t be a killjoy. Just shut the hell
up and learn a thing or two watching your kid’s mind at work.
4.
Be a teacher; don’t be a dick. There
are a million teachable moments during any given day to share with your kid. Don’t
let them slip by. Take advantage. But don’t be pushy and demanding; be
informative. A simple, “Hey, did you know that. . . .” followed up with whatever
information you can lend will suffice. A touch of “Hey, let me show you how and
then you can try” will go miles and miles toward making your kid a better
person who can take care of himself one day. Show him how to hammer a nail. How to crack an egg. How to says "please" and "thank you. More than anything, teach
him how to have a good time. Teach her how to dance. Teach her how to set up a
tent and camp with her in the backyard. Teach her how to make a snow fort that
will still be there the next morning. Teach him how to ride a bike and then go
for rides over and over. Teach him how to use a video camera and make a movie
that he wants to make. And when you’re teaching, don’t be a dick. When your kid
breaks something, which she will, show her how to clean it up; tell her “it
happens”; and move the hell along. Don’t scream. Don’t yell. Don’t dwell on it
endlessly. Your kid is your responsibility, not something that was put here to
make your life more difficult. Take this seriously, teach her well, and then
turn her loose trusting she’ll use what you’ve presented.
5.
Learn to say “I’m sorry.” You’re not
always right. Far from it. You might act as if you are. You might even want to
believe it. But you’re not, and deep down, you know it. Stop being an ass and perpetuating
the myth. If there’s any intellect floating around in your head, you know this
already. If not, there’s little hope for you ever being a truly complete father
until you grasp this fact. And not just grasp it but practice it. When you tell
your kid, “You know, you’re right, I’m wrong,” you’ll be twice the man you were
before. When you tell your kid, “I apologize, I was out of line,” you’ll expose
yourself for what you truly are, a flawed but real man who has the balls to man up and take responsibility. Saying sorry,
especially to your kid, is a beautiful thing. Truly. With no bit of
exaggeration, it’s about the most powerful gift you can give your kid. And when
you do it, don’t attach a bunch of bullshit to it. Don’t blabber “I’m sorry
but. . . .” or “I wouldn’t have done that if. . . .” or “I’m sorry for
everything except . . . .” That crap is hallow, meaningless, and paper-thin.
Just man up and do the deed the right way. Just use this simple template and
you’ll be fine: “I’m sorry for _____. I hope you can forgive me.”
Done and done.
Above everything, if you really care about your kids’ well-being, you’ll let go of the grudges,
disappointments, resentments, and anger you’re going to feel along the way when your kid messes up and you'll do what a good dad does: accept his kid always.
